Thursday, 19 April 2007
TO ALL VISITORS TO THIS PLACE.
At this place I hope to be able to give the answers, ideas, or, options, that may help those who have the question, but, maybe through embarrassment, or, because they feel unable to ask people that they know, find hard to ask.
This is a new site, and at present, each item that you read below is a personal answer, and, may not be the correct answer, I hope that, over time, other views, and that means, YOURS, will be posted.
To make this place suitable for all visitors, of all age groups, and to be able to give answers to all types of questions, it requires your input, and that would be very much appreciated.
Please contact me by using the "leave a comment" below this post, or direct by e-mail, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com with, either, your anonymous question, or, your answer to an unasked question, or, any suggestions, ideas, or, comments, that you may have.
Thanks. Trevor.
MAKING CONTACTS THROUGH PERSONAL CONTACT COLUMNS.
Making new contacts through newspaper personal contact columns.
This post was originally written as a help to those persons that had "moved on" after a grieving period, but, the suggestions will be suitable for all that have considered using them but are a little unsure.
Life goes on, and, in most circumstances, eventually you will start to think about a new relationship. There is no "time scale" for this to happen, but, most certainly it will.
One day, and it will have crept up on you very slowly, you will realise that you miss the personal contact that you had with your partner, that private touch as you passed each other, the quick kiss, that cuddle, those parts of life that are so small, but, mean so much. For her, it's not the hug that she gets from her girlfriends, for him, it's not the touch on the shoulder from his mates, it's the next, natural step.
Where is that person?. Once again, as with many questions that we have to ask ourselves in our new situation, the answer is out there, but, we have not had to ask the question for a long time.
Since your bereavement you will probably be "out of touch" with social events, you possibly refused many invitations, either because, you felt that it was too soon, or, because you always felt "the odd one out", and, who wants to come home to an empty house?. If you are a she, the wives didn't encourage you close to their husbands, and, if you are a he, the husbands don't want you close to their wives. I am being honest.
O.K., so it's single persons of about your age group. Don't laugh, and you probably have in the past, Personal Contact Columns in your local area newspaper.
Do you remember when you and your partner, in the past, read them together and laughed?. I do. There are some basic rules.
Be in charge, don't reply to an advert, be the advertiser. Never use your surname, or your full address, and, always give a mobile phone number, never your land-line. Give the honest facts, your age, likes and dislikes, the area that you live in, height and shape, this information is enough for any reader to need in the first instance, and should they be interested, they will leave a message that you can listen to when you wish. You can play the message several times and this may help you to get an impression of that person.
The "voice" will leave a contact number, should you wish to do so, or, can be deleted. If you choose to make contact with one, or more, of the "voices", do so from your mobile phone, if you are still nervous, buy a phonecard and use that as a temporary phone number, the first call is a nerve racking experience for many, it needn't be.
Your first words will be, along the lines of, "Hello, is that ( his or her first name ) you replied to my ad in the " newspaper" ), and your started.
At this point you must still keep personal details private, have some questions written down, "do you smoke", "do you like a drink", "are you divorced/widow/widower", "what type of entertainment do you like"..Don't talk for too long, if you like what you hear, arrange another call a few days later.
You may have this call with two or three of those that made contact with you, WARNING, remember to keep notes, on a separate piece of paper, for each name. Now is your thinking time, maybe 3 or 4 calls over the next couple of weeks, and then you decide to meet.
RULES, a public place in a busy area, Saturday, 3 o/clock in the afternoon in the local Costa coffee shop, tell a friend, and ask them to call you on your mobile at 3.30pm to check that all is o.k., don't worry, they will possibly do the same thing. You are on your way, this may be your only meeting with them, enjoy their company for an hour, tell them that you are possibly going to meet others, don't agree to anything until you have had time to think, you have each others phone numbers.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
If YOU have anything that you could offer in the way of advice please do so using the comments or, by e-mail to, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com
Thanks.
This post was originally written as a help to those persons that had "moved on" after a grieving period, but, the suggestions will be suitable for all that have considered using them but are a little unsure.
Life goes on, and, in most circumstances, eventually you will start to think about a new relationship. There is no "time scale" for this to happen, but, most certainly it will.
One day, and it will have crept up on you very slowly, you will realise that you miss the personal contact that you had with your partner, that private touch as you passed each other, the quick kiss, that cuddle, those parts of life that are so small, but, mean so much. For her, it's not the hug that she gets from her girlfriends, for him, it's not the touch on the shoulder from his mates, it's the next, natural step.
Where is that person?. Once again, as with many questions that we have to ask ourselves in our new situation, the answer is out there, but, we have not had to ask the question for a long time.
Since your bereavement you will probably be "out of touch" with social events, you possibly refused many invitations, either because, you felt that it was too soon, or, because you always felt "the odd one out", and, who wants to come home to an empty house?. If you are a she, the wives didn't encourage you close to their husbands, and, if you are a he, the husbands don't want you close to their wives. I am being honest.
O.K., so it's single persons of about your age group. Don't laugh, and you probably have in the past, Personal Contact Columns in your local area newspaper.
Do you remember when you and your partner, in the past, read them together and laughed?. I do. There are some basic rules.
Be in charge, don't reply to an advert, be the advertiser. Never use your surname, or your full address, and, always give a mobile phone number, never your land-line. Give the honest facts, your age, likes and dislikes, the area that you live in, height and shape, this information is enough for any reader to need in the first instance, and should they be interested, they will leave a message that you can listen to when you wish. You can play the message several times and this may help you to get an impression of that person.
The "voice" will leave a contact number, should you wish to do so, or, can be deleted. If you choose to make contact with one, or more, of the "voices", do so from your mobile phone, if you are still nervous, buy a phonecard and use that as a temporary phone number, the first call is a nerve racking experience for many, it needn't be.
Your first words will be, along the lines of, "Hello, is that ( his or her first name ) you replied to my ad in the " newspaper" ), and your started.
At this point you must still keep personal details private, have some questions written down, "do you smoke", "do you like a drink", "are you divorced/widow/widower", "what type of entertainment do you like"..Don't talk for too long, if you like what you hear, arrange another call a few days later.
You may have this call with two or three of those that made contact with you, WARNING, remember to keep notes, on a separate piece of paper, for each name. Now is your thinking time, maybe 3 or 4 calls over the next couple of weeks, and then you decide to meet.
RULES, a public place in a busy area, Saturday, 3 o/clock in the afternoon in the local Costa coffee shop, tell a friend, and ask them to call you on your mobile at 3.30pm to check that all is o.k., don't worry, they will possibly do the same thing. You are on your way, this may be your only meeting with them, enjoy their company for an hour, tell them that you are possibly going to meet others, don't agree to anything until you have had time to think, you have each others phone numbers.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
If YOU have anything that you could offer in the way of advice please do so using the comments or, by e-mail to, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com
Thanks.
TRAVELLING THROUGH THE PAIN OF BEREAVEMENT.
TRAVELLING THROUGH THE PAIN OF BEREAVEMENT.
The loss of a loved one, a child, or, as in my loss, Sarah, my wife for forty years, is a pain that only those who experience bereavement can understand.
There are, of course, pills and potions that your medical doctor can prescribe, but these do nothing except on a temporary basis. The best thing that I did was to take up a pen and put down on paper my feelings, I promise you that it will help. The next best thing was to create a web site, and I hope that you will visit it. The site is non commercial, anonymous, and there is nothing to buy, you will find that you are not alone in your feelings of pain and despair, your feelings are natural and similar to many other bereaved persons.
My web site is neither "for" or "against" anything, and I have received several messages of thanks for the help that it gave to the visitors to the site, I am sure that, should you have a look and read "my story" it will help you.
The site is http://www.wordscanhelp.co.ukMy very best wishes go to you that you may soon find peace of mind, without forgetting, as you never forget.
Please read other posts on this site, and remember, it may be very helpful if leave a comment that may help someone else.
DO YOU CRY, CAN YOU CRY, SHOULD YOU CRY?.
DO YOU CRY, CAN YOU CRY, SHOULD YOU CRY ?.
Crying is something that I have given a lot of thought too. What is crying?, tear drops running from your eyes that are caused by your feelings, that, to me, sums it up. So, the fact that a film or drama can bring that wetness to the eyes show that I have feelings, but, does the depth of my feelings show in the amount of my tears?.
There are two songs from the 50s, seldom heard nowadays, "I Believe" and "Answer Me", both by Frankie Laine that have the effect of bringing those tears, but, not when I hear the same songs by other singers, so, it isn't just the lyric, and, I don't particularly associate them with anything, so, where do the feelings come into it?.
Unlike the song "Bridge over Troubled Waters", again, only by "Simon and Garfunkel", and two hymns, "Abide with Me", and, "The Lords My Shepherd", that each have a special memory for me, but, again, it is only a wetness to the eyes.
I have never cried. I have never had unstoppable tears running down my face. Is there something wrong with me?.
My mother died when I was eight years old, I well remember my father telling me, I remember nothing about my life prior to this. It was many years later when my older sister died, still a young woman, I did not cry. I did not cry, with joy, at the birth of my sons, or, the death of my father, or, the death of my stepmother. I did not cry at the death of my wife.
Is real heart breaking crying necessary?. Does it show the depths of your feelings, pain, or, loss, or, are we only crying for ourselves?. I do remember hearing the words, "boys don't cry", but, I wish that I could.
Since writing this post I have also asked the question on the forum at the website, http://www.helium.com/smf/index.php With permission of the posters I copy part of their posts.
Paul-Allan Sovib."From personal experience of people who do not show emotion is due to something cognitive in their life. You say you cannot remember back past when your mother died. To an eight year old child that would have been devastating and from what you explain this is where your life stopped and restarted emotionally. Mate you have the ability to cry and show emotion but you yourself it would seem have stemmed the flow. Its not about balance its about not wanting to be hurt again, it is a defence mechanism, that is why you also find it hard to understand a God. You refuse to accept anything into your life that will hurt you ever again. You have heard of children who refuse to talk or cannot talk when they lose a parent tragically, well this is no differently need to revisit that time when it all happened to find out what went wrong, maybe through hypnosis will help. Then again your will is that strong and developed you may reject that and wont happen no matter how hard you try. I pray a window will open for you one day mate. But if it bothers you seek help. If not try praying even if you don't believe, I have seen that work.".Skryer One, "I talked to a doctor about the inability to cry. He said that some people do not cry because it has to do with emotional balance. Some people are just not affected enough to do so, but it doesn't mean their feelings are invalid. Just balanced. Some people's emotional barometer swings sharply and one side of the swing is crying. Apparently there are other means of emotional venting, that makes crying unnecessary. If I'm not mistaken, crying is instinctive, like laughing. You may not trigger this instinct which has little to do with emotion and more to do with reflex. You might not hold negative emotions in all other respects so when the trigger comes to cry, you don't have a reserve of emotion to vent.".http://www.helium.com/smf/index.php?topic=5553.0I have found the members of this website forum to be very prepared to give their personal views that often help.
Added by Anjelika100, posted via, http://www.gumtree.com/" Since I am the opposite, crying 'at the drop of the hat' as they say, I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE SOME THOUGHTS. To me, crying is the way to release the pressure of the emotions -ether happy or unhappy. Tears are like heart bursting open. This process ends with the wonderful sense of peace, of full acceptance of the situation. Similar process exists in nature - tears of Nature is the rain. The rain with thunder and lightning ends with the serene peace, very tangible-if you care to observe. As I grew older I realized that crying is accepted by our society as a weakness. So I consciously suppressed tears, and then after some period of 'abstinence' I noticed that this suppression builds a wall between my 'persona' and my inner psychic core. This wall does not allow things from outside to touch me deeply, and I felt like a zombie. Heartless. So I let myself cry again WHEN I feel like, because it keeps me in touch with what I REALLY feel, and not what I AM SUPPOSE to feel. Inability to cry from my point of view shows some kind of a block in the emotional body. It can be accessed through hypnosis".
What do YOU think?. Please add your comment or, e-mail me at, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com and I will add your comment. It requires as many views as possible to make this Problems page helpful to all.
Crying is something that I have given a lot of thought too. What is crying?, tear drops running from your eyes that are caused by your feelings, that, to me, sums it up. So, the fact that a film or drama can bring that wetness to the eyes show that I have feelings, but, does the depth of my feelings show in the amount of my tears?.
There are two songs from the 50s, seldom heard nowadays, "I Believe" and "Answer Me", both by Frankie Laine that have the effect of bringing those tears, but, not when I hear the same songs by other singers, so, it isn't just the lyric, and, I don't particularly associate them with anything, so, where do the feelings come into it?.
Unlike the song "Bridge over Troubled Waters", again, only by "Simon and Garfunkel", and two hymns, "Abide with Me", and, "The Lords My Shepherd", that each have a special memory for me, but, again, it is only a wetness to the eyes.
I have never cried. I have never had unstoppable tears running down my face. Is there something wrong with me?.
My mother died when I was eight years old, I well remember my father telling me, I remember nothing about my life prior to this. It was many years later when my older sister died, still a young woman, I did not cry. I did not cry, with joy, at the birth of my sons, or, the death of my father, or, the death of my stepmother. I did not cry at the death of my wife.
Is real heart breaking crying necessary?. Does it show the depths of your feelings, pain, or, loss, or, are we only crying for ourselves?. I do remember hearing the words, "boys don't cry", but, I wish that I could.
Since writing this post I have also asked the question on the forum at the website, http://www.helium.com/smf/index.php With permission of the posters I copy part of their posts.
Paul-Allan Sovib."From personal experience of people who do not show emotion is due to something cognitive in their life. You say you cannot remember back past when your mother died. To an eight year old child that would have been devastating and from what you explain this is where your life stopped and restarted emotionally. Mate you have the ability to cry and show emotion but you yourself it would seem have stemmed the flow. Its not about balance its about not wanting to be hurt again, it is a defence mechanism, that is why you also find it hard to understand a God. You refuse to accept anything into your life that will hurt you ever again. You have heard of children who refuse to talk or cannot talk when they lose a parent tragically, well this is no differently need to revisit that time when it all happened to find out what went wrong, maybe through hypnosis will help. Then again your will is that strong and developed you may reject that and wont happen no matter how hard you try. I pray a window will open for you one day mate. But if it bothers you seek help. If not try praying even if you don't believe, I have seen that work.".Skryer One, "I talked to a doctor about the inability to cry. He said that some people do not cry because it has to do with emotional balance. Some people are just not affected enough to do so, but it doesn't mean their feelings are invalid. Just balanced. Some people's emotional barometer swings sharply and one side of the swing is crying. Apparently there are other means of emotional venting, that makes crying unnecessary. If I'm not mistaken, crying is instinctive, like laughing. You may not trigger this instinct which has little to do with emotion and more to do with reflex. You might not hold negative emotions in all other respects so when the trigger comes to cry, you don't have a reserve of emotion to vent.".http://www.helium.com/smf/index.php?topic=5553.0I have found the members of this website forum to be very prepared to give their personal views that often help.
Added by Anjelika100, posted via, http://www.gumtree.com/" Since I am the opposite, crying 'at the drop of the hat' as they say, I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE SOME THOUGHTS. To me, crying is the way to release the pressure of the emotions -ether happy or unhappy. Tears are like heart bursting open. This process ends with the wonderful sense of peace, of full acceptance of the situation. Similar process exists in nature - tears of Nature is the rain. The rain with thunder and lightning ends with the serene peace, very tangible-if you care to observe. As I grew older I realized that crying is accepted by our society as a weakness. So I consciously suppressed tears, and then after some period of 'abstinence' I noticed that this suppression builds a wall between my 'persona' and my inner psychic core. This wall does not allow things from outside to touch me deeply, and I felt like a zombie. Heartless. So I let myself cry again WHEN I feel like, because it keeps me in touch with what I REALLY feel, and not what I AM SUPPOSE to feel. Inability to cry from my point of view shows some kind of a block in the emotional body. It can be accessed through hypnosis".
What do YOU think?. Please add your comment or, e-mail me at, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com and I will add your comment. It requires as many views as possible to make this Problems page helpful to all.
Sexual feelings after the loss of a loved one.
SEXUAL FEELINGS AFTER THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE.
I will try to be honest. You are not dead, it was your partner that has now gone. You are still alive and so are your normal feelings and urges, it would be unusual if those feelings returned the following day, but, who is to say that would be wrong, there is no "laid down" time scale for any part of that period that follows the loss of a loved one, remember, I am trying to be honest, and, so must you to yourself.
This is not the question that we would, or could, ask to our friends and families, so, as in most case's, we keep it to ourselves, only to further confuse our minds. Lets try to talk about it on the privacy of a website where anonymity remains.
There is another item on this site that may help with making contacts, but, lets presume that you have met this person. You have got to know him/her, and you were happy with the comforting cuddles that you shared on meeting or leaving their company. The cuddles become more often and get a little tighter, their hands hold you a little tighter and your faces are closer.
Cheek to cheek is only an inch or two from lips to lips. now you feel different. Sexual feelings are aroused, and, you break away, because, you ask yourself, is this right?, am I being unfaithful?, is it too soon?. Good questions, and probably at the right time.
Nature has programmed our bodies to have sexual feelings for the continuance of life, so, it's doing its job, but, a sexual relationship is also a show of love, and, a pleasurable thing. Is it love, or, is it something else. There is no act that can bring you any closer to that other person . Is it the thought of simply being held, and, holding that is on your mind?, or, is it love?.
You, and, only you , can make your next decision. Your mind is already filled with the thoughts about, unfaithful/right/too soon, maybe that is also one of natures programs, Maybe this is a thinking time, and don't worry, you will make the right decision.
I haven't answered the question "How soon to have sex after loss of a loved one?", I can't answer the question. There isn't one simple answer to the question.
Please, if you have a view, let me know. YOUR view may help others.
Addition posted by "Skryer One" http://www.helium.com/smf/index.php?topic=5568.0Skryer One, posted this,"Intimacy starts out side the bedroom, and sometimes it ends up there. Is anything done for true and pure, well intentioned love bad? When I hear the word shame used in connection with another human, another child of God I want to howl at the moon and savage someone. Mankind made sex shameful. Your Bible says to not make much of material earthly things. Sex is one of those things, it is of the physical body. It has nothing to do with how spiritual , how kind or loving or compassionate you are. It has nothing to do with how moral you are. Is giving up breathing moral. No, it's suicide. It's a natural function that we will no longer need one day like breathing or eating. We live it behind because it is an EARTHLY matter that your own Bible said not to be concerned with, stop putting so much over importance on it for your own sake, sweetie. Let the heart of your spirit guide you, that's where God is. Ditch the shame. It interferes with your communication with your source. Sex is a natural progression of a romantic love. Humans require affection like they require air".The forum at http://www.helium.com/ is a place where you can ask, and get a variety of replies, to any question, "Religion & Spirituality" is an interesting forum.
HOW long should you grieve?.
How long should you grieve?.
Sudden death of a loved one must be the greatest shock possible, but, the loss of a loved one, even though you have been given advance warning that this will be the outcome of an illness such as cancer, and feel prepared for the passing, will leave you with that journey that follows.
The pain of grieving. This is a journey that you will, and, must take. You will not be prepared for the thoughts that will enter your mind, you will not be prepared for your actions, you will not be prepared for grieving. You have never faced these problems before, you have never had to ask the questions, you have never had to seek the answers.
Trust this, your feelings and actions, that in the past were alien to you, are normal.( for a more detailed account of the problems and possible answers please visit the website, www.wordscanhelp.co.uk ).
But, how long should grieving last?.
There is no laid down period, we are all different, we all had different loved ones, we all have different memories, we all had different circumstances, so, we all have different periods of grieving.
This grief is just another part of your life. Life is made up of many parts. There was the part where you were a babe in arms, the toddler, the child, the teenager, the first love, the wedding, the children, the good times, the bad times, etc, etc, and all of these parts are now tucked away in your mind. You moved on, you closed the door on each part. At anytime, you, can open that door and relive that part.
Now, you are at another part, it is only another part, not the end, you still have life to live, and, even though you might not think it now, it is ahead of you.
This does not answer the question, how long?. The answer is personal to you, you will know when to move on. Young or old, you will meet someone, maybe for love, or, maybe just for company, and than, you will have to ask yourself a question, "Am I grieving for my lost loved one, or, for myself?".
Please note:, I am not a counsellor and my entries on this site are personal observations, I don't know if they are right or wrong, but, I do have my own experience of bereavement.
Your comments, observations, suggestions or questions are very welcome. Please leave a comment, or e-mail to, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com
Sudden death of a loved one must be the greatest shock possible, but, the loss of a loved one, even though you have been given advance warning that this will be the outcome of an illness such as cancer, and feel prepared for the passing, will leave you with that journey that follows.
The pain of grieving. This is a journey that you will, and, must take. You will not be prepared for the thoughts that will enter your mind, you will not be prepared for your actions, you will not be prepared for grieving. You have never faced these problems before, you have never had to ask the questions, you have never had to seek the answers.
Trust this, your feelings and actions, that in the past were alien to you, are normal.( for a more detailed account of the problems and possible answers please visit the website, www.wordscanhelp.co.uk ).
But, how long should grieving last?.
There is no laid down period, we are all different, we all had different loved ones, we all have different memories, we all had different circumstances, so, we all have different periods of grieving.
This grief is just another part of your life. Life is made up of many parts. There was the part where you were a babe in arms, the toddler, the child, the teenager, the first love, the wedding, the children, the good times, the bad times, etc, etc, and all of these parts are now tucked away in your mind. You moved on, you closed the door on each part. At anytime, you, can open that door and relive that part.
Now, you are at another part, it is only another part, not the end, you still have life to live, and, even though you might not think it now, it is ahead of you.
This does not answer the question, how long?. The answer is personal to you, you will know when to move on. Young or old, you will meet someone, maybe for love, or, maybe just for company, and than, you will have to ask yourself a question, "Am I grieving for my lost loved one, or, for myself?".
Please note:, I am not a counsellor and my entries on this site are personal observations, I don't know if they are right or wrong, but, I do have my own experience of bereavement.
Your comments, observations, suggestions or questions are very welcome. Please leave a comment, or e-mail to, trevor.downer1@ntlworld.com
STRESS, Have you got it, What is it?.
STRESS. HAVE YOU GOT IT?, WHAT IS IT?.
Stress is part of our everyday life and some of the SYMPTOMS OF STRESS are,
Physical health problems, i.e., headaches, indigestion or a sore back.
Disturbed sleep patterns.
Appetite, loss of interest in food or over eating.
Diminished sex drive.
Difficulty in making decisions.
Use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco more than usual.
Emotional at the slightest upset.
There are several other possible symptoms.
CAUSES OF STRESS.
Problems with relationships.
Money worries.
Problems at work.
Worries about health problems.
Poor housing.
Coping with unemployment.
Feeling isolated or lonely.
There are several other possible causes.
WHO CAN YOU TURN TO FOR HELP.
Your family doctor who may prescribe a short course of medication or put you in touch with, a Counsellor or therapist.
Information and advice agencies, citizens advice, credit unions etc.
Self help groups.
These words have been taken from a booklet issued by, Health Education Board for Scotland http://www.hebs.com The booklet contains much more information and facts about stress and is free, in Scotland you can possibly collect a copy at your local health centre or hospital.
Stress is part of our everyday life and some of the SYMPTOMS OF STRESS are,
Physical health problems, i.e., headaches, indigestion or a sore back.
Disturbed sleep patterns.
Appetite, loss of interest in food or over eating.
Diminished sex drive.
Difficulty in making decisions.
Use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco more than usual.
Emotional at the slightest upset.
There are several other possible symptoms.
CAUSES OF STRESS.
Problems with relationships.
Money worries.
Problems at work.
Worries about health problems.
Poor housing.
Coping with unemployment.
Feeling isolated or lonely.
There are several other possible causes.
WHO CAN YOU TURN TO FOR HELP.
Your family doctor who may prescribe a short course of medication or put you in touch with, a Counsellor or therapist.
Information and advice agencies, citizens advice, credit unions etc.
Self help groups.
These words have been taken from a booklet issued by, Health Education Board for Scotland http://www.hebs.com The booklet contains much more information and facts about stress and is free, in Scotland you can possibly collect a copy at your local health centre or hospital.
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